Taking a break and letting it all out

January 15, 2010 at 2:10 pm | Posted in From the Heart, Pangya, Whatever | 10 Comments
Tags: college, heart, high school, life, love, Pangya, rant

I guess I got tired and burned out of Pangya again. This happened 2 years ago to me and I ended up leaving the game until recently. So that I won’t have to be too burned out I’ve decided to be semi-active, indefinitely. I may be playing from time to time to satisfy my urge, but much less frequent.

Things have been too hectic lately and I’m starting to think about too much in my life. There comes a stage in life when girls start to think of what they want in the future. That nagging thought of always following your dream but in the end, had to make a compromise just to get by. Dreams are dreams after all because they don’t happen in real life.

Warning: Wall of text if you hit the jump. 2 hours of sleep and “that time of the month" hormones going crazy. Went home early from the office since I still feel like crap. I’ll prolly make a fool of myself in this post but what the heck. I badly needed to let this out. Sigh.

There comes a time in every girl’s life when they begin to think of a lot of things.

“Where am I headed? Do I really want this routine to continue? Why, after all these years, am I still acting like a child? Do I have to change? What is this constant nagging heartbeat? How am I supposed to continue living without him?”

Times like these I just wish there was someone I can talk to personally and probably pour my heart out. Doing that with my brother is out of the question since he’s only interested in his little “otaku” world. Sometimes I’m worried though that with his state right now, he’s never going to meet the right girl. (Ugh… is this… older brother complex? Onichan T_T).

Right now, I’m worried about myself though. Now that I think about it, my sob story feels like it came out straight from the page of a Manga or off the screen from an Anime.

How I got separated from my childhood love because of the reasons at the time. Come to think of it his dad never liked me to begin with. They saw me as an overly energetic girl, I didn’t quite get it back then. But after receiving an email about our elementary school reunion, finding out that he got married to such a princess, and contacting me like nothing ever happened. It hurt me so much, but it was my fault to begin with anyway, so how can I blame him. 

For a while, I began to blame my Dad because we travelled around a lot and I had less friends to be in touch with. I hated him for that since I could sometimes see my mother stare out at the window at night when she’s done with work. And for a while, I blamed my dad for her sickness. I thought to myself, “Mom got sick because you were away so much!” I never got to tell that to my dad and I’m glad. Even when my mom never recovered and during her funeral, it was the first time I saw my Father cry unconditionally. That was when that I realized that he was the best Dad after all. I grew closer to him ever since. In a way I think this was Mom’s way of bringing us much closer together.

My middle and high school years were wasted times though. Partly, because we almost moved every year and I had to attend a different school and partly because by nature I was really the silent girl in the corner. I only began to open up during the last 2 years of my senior life since my dad was settling down a bit and he got stationed to a place for 3 years. I eventually made 2 friends who shared common interests with me. This was the time when Anime first caught my glimpse. I could remember watching Sailormoon as my first Anime and a few episodes of Dragon Ball Z (thanks to my geeky otaku brother). This was also the first time I’ve received a confession from a boy. He was handsome on average and wore eyeglasses (omg I realize only now that my fondness for “megane-kun” characters might have started from him). I open up my locker and I find a note that has been slipped through the opening. At first I thought it was a prank because our section had been notorious sending threats like stealing lunches or some guys flipping up skirts (yes skirt, my high school at this time was a private school and we had skirts that were long since this was a Catholic school ran by nuns). I then realize something different. It was neatly folded with no envelope. It’s as if someone was in a hurry to slip it in as not to get noticed. I read it over lunch time and it was the first time my heart skipped a beat. I didn’t know much about him other than his active participation in the Science club and that he had decent grades as well. He wasn’t in my section though. But, I’ll never forget one line that he wrote down. “Your blank expression is what made me notice you.” After reading this the first time though, I was a bit EEH??? So I didn’t take him quite seriously back then. He sent this letter of confession during the middle of our 2nd semester. And he sent 2 more a week before the semester ended and on the last day of the semester when we got our report cards. As chance would have it, on our final year in high school, we land on the same section! This is when he started to be more direct. Instead of leaving letters in my locker he manages to slip them inside my bag without me knowing. He was shy though and he only ended up talking to me when we had group study discussions or group reports. Finally, when graduation was nearing he suddenly comes up to me during one of the school events (I think it was the school’s foundation event). I could smell from a mile away that he was finally serious in doing a verbal confession. He said he liked me a lot, and that he always loved me in the shadows. He’s been noticing me since I transferred he says. Then he shows me a bunch of poems that he’s made about me. There was one problem though, 2 more months to go and we were graduating. Why only now? So, I tell him to wait for my response until then. In the end, after our graduation ceremony, I finally write back to him. I couldn’t bear talking to him personally so in my letter I said. “If you really love me, then you’ll follow me to where I’m going because I’m leaving 2 weeks from now.” I hid the letter in his bag before our ceremony started. I avoided him and hid when the ceremony ended. I saw him reach into his bag and read my letter. I could tell he was devastated because right after reading the letter he kissed it. At first I thought it was pervy but in the end, I ended up thinking that it was cute. He never followed me though. So did I really love him? I don’t know…

My time in college was more cheerful though. I was serious with my studies since it was a do or die situation. I wanted to make my Dad proud, so I ended up becoming a bookworm of sorts and really didn’t pay attention to any boys. I almost made the deans list but that didn’t matter. This is where I started to have real friends and enjoyed my youth a bit. I even started to work part-time as a receptionist at a friend’s bakeshop / cafe. During this time was the first time I cosplayed as a Maid during one of our college fairs. Then in my last year in College, I met him. I always thought we were destined to be together. We both loved Anime/Manga and anything about Japan. I met him online in an Anime forum and noticed that we both loved You’re Under Arrest. In many ways though, when I look back to it, he was more like Nakajima and I was like Miyuki. He was always at a loss for words but he was sweet and I loved him for that. I started falling for him during our EB’s and meets with the Anime forum. Eventually, for some weird reason, he was sticking to me and I was sticking to him all the time. Back then I really didn’t know if it was rushed but in out of our EB meets I took him aside and I was the one who confessed my love. I don’t remember how I did it but it was something across the lines of “I like you a lot, please go out with me” (Ugh, that was cheesy). He was happy and I was happy then. It was pure bliss for the both of us. We used to meet during lunch breaks during work since our office buildings were near each other. We went to this cafe in the morning and often walked around by a nearby park when we checked out form work. But in our 7th month together his father began to probe around and he found out that I wasn’t pure Chinese. (Just in case you are wondering I’m half Chinese, 1/4 American and 1/4 Filipino. My Dad is pure Chinese but he grew up in the US. My mom is half American/Filipino. I was told we had Japanese blood somewhere down the line but meh, thats just a rumor.) You see, some really closed-minded traditional Chinese families only want to be married to pure Chinese. His dad began to loathe me saying I was a “Half-breed”, and that I didn’t deserve to be called “Chinese”. Fine then, I wasn’t really Chinese to begin with. I never learned Mandarin since I grew up in the US and English was my primary language. Heck my dad is pure Chinese but he doesn’t mind does he? Sigh. Anyway, I started to ignore his Dad until we only met secretly during work or on rare chances when we went out together. His dad began to tell me to keep away from him, but that didn’t stop me. For a while, it was a fairy tale while it lasted. Eventually, things caught up to us. His dad was really serious and that day came when he said that we should break up. It was supposed to be our 2 year anniversary together. What was supposed to be a romantic night, ended up one of the most tragic for me. We met at the subway station as we planned that night. I was bummed from work so I was looking forward to a comforting evening. I wanted to hug him oh so tight and forget about the cares in the world. We had dinner at a simple cafe. I remember having some pasta and sipping some red wine. He was smiling as usual as he finished his steak. We then left the cafe holding hands with me snuggling him and have a stroll on the street. I reach to my bag and hand him his gift. It was a small Fate Stay Night Saber PVC, it wasn’t much since it was one of those small ones but I knew he liked Fate Stay Night a lot and he didn’t have this in his collection yet. Of course it was gift wrapped, but instead of opening it immediately he puts it in his pocket and starts to look at me seriously. He suddenly says that we needed to have a serious talk so we sat on one of the benches at the nearby park. It took a while for him to open his mouth to say something but I thought it was okay since he wasn’t much of a talker. But after a minute or so, that’s when my world ended. I could all but remember him saying “we can’t be together anymore”. At first I thought it was the wine that got to my head but now, he continued on. “My father is threatening to disown me if we continue to see each other.” This can’t be happening. I started to panic inside and begin to think thoughts about us eloping or running away, but that wouldn’t work since we both had responsibilities in life. I begged at him. “If you really love me then fight for me!” It was no use since I knew that his personality was always someone that got dominated, especially of the person dominating him was his father. I was no match. I was at a loss. I told him back then that if he ever grew the determination and balls, I’d be waiting. He somehow just faded into the night without looking back. I didn’t  go to work for the next 5 days let alone eat anything during the first 3 days. I spent the whole week sulking in my room. Even my “baka” brother started to worry and began buying me all kinds of stuff. Thank you Oni-chan, you’re dependable after all.

Recently however, I’ve began to realize that I can’t keep waiting like this. I need to move on. It’s been a little over 2 years since then. I think it’s time for me to stop hoping and start changing.  I still see him from time to time but all he does is avoid my glance. I did get to see him once before the New Year’s at a shopping mall. I said hi and asked how he was. Of course he tried to avoid eye contact, but he said he was fine. I replied that’s good and then I left. I however began to cry when I got home and stayed in bed with tears thinking what went wrong. Sigh… I still really can’t move on have I? Even having said that I want to change and forget him, it seems that its hard to do after all. I guess all that’s left is for me to continue on and live for myself somehow.

If you have read through my sob story, I thank you. I just had to get this all out. I’ll probably be my normal self again after this post. I appreciate the time that you have wasted and I know I can never repay that but thank you. Thank you.